I have gone back and forth on if I want to write about this then I watched one of my best friends post the most raw and honest vlog and it gave me a little push. I have spent days writing and rewriting this. I have tried not to limit myself or sensor myself. This is probably the hardest thing I have ever written or dealt with. I wanted this blog so that I had somewhere to write down everything about our crazy life. I find myself always dealing with the continuous feeling of not being good enough. The feeling like your friends aren’t friends they just tolerate you. That they will always find someone better find someone to be more what they want in a friend. I become to needy and that doesn’t help either. I spend my days with a 20-month-old and a 5-month-old. I spend my days chasing a 20-month-old. I spend my days wondering how a 20-month-old and 5-month-old can make me so crazy. When I had Veronica, I wound up dealing with a lot emotionally. I wound up needing help. It was the little everyday things that wound up just overwhelming me. Who wakes up one day with three kids enjoying Christmas and then the next day you wake up with 4 kids and no plan…not many people. We luckily had the car seat from Alexandria still, but no clothes, no diapers, no bed. It is a hard reality to face especially from a hospital bed. For whatever reason my mind has decided that it would like to heighten all my fears while I try and push through. Being replaced, being unnecessary to the people around me is a debilitating feeling. The darkest moments, the moments that I feel like I am just destroyed is usually over something my brain just made up. When I couldn’t breast feed anymore I sat in my car and sobbed because I couldn’t do one simple thing anymore. It is a daily issue for me. I look around and see all that I didn’t do. I see what I messed up on, I see my failures all around and panic. I put pressure on myself and I hide it. No one wants to deal with someone who is depressed, no one wants to have a person so fucked up as a friend. No one wants a sob fest waiting for them at every phone call or text message. Who complains about having a healthy baby who gets upset about having a miracle happen. Everyone else just seemed to flow with it. Why can’t I? Why is it so hard on me? Why does this heighten all my problems. I wouldn’t dare answer the “How are you?” question honestly, except with Dan. People drop away, people have their own problems. When I go to call someone, I go through my list…don’t call because their busy, don’t call because they don’t need your problems, don’t call because then you’ll make it all about you, don’t call they’re probably working, you called them last time don’t bother again.
I’m not writing this for attention, I’m not writing this for sympathy. I’m writing this because I need to, and I’m posting it to get it out there. People will shy away from the topic, those dealing with it just as much as those who aren’t. No one wants to discuss it because for some feelings don’t exist, others it’s about not showing weakness, and others it’s about not scarring off loved ones. I am a little bit about weakness and a little bit about scarring away loves ones. Everyone has those moments, everyone second guesses themselves. For me right now, it’s every day, it’s whenever I’m alone, it’s when my kids are freaking out, it’s when no one answers my text messages, it’s when I make mistake after mistake. It’s when my thoughts go where I never wanted them too. When you are surrounded by people but feel like you’ve never been more alone. When I don’t want to talk about it because I don’t want to make my friends and family feel bad and feel like they have to take care of me. On good days when the laughter flows through me, Alexandria is a hoot, and Veronica is becoming very silly. Dan is always coming up with some crazy stuff, getting me out of the house, letting me vent, and is there to talk which makes me remember it’s not all dark. But as easily as the switch can be turned off it can be turned on. The darkness actually hits harder and faster after a good day. Good news makes me feel guilty that I can’t be as happy as I should be. I am constantly battling with my brain. I am constantly telling myself that it’s ok, happiness isn’t a sin, joy is a great thing, believing in a better day can actually make a better day.
I do worry that putting this out there will come with some backlash, but I want to take that step. Who knows who I will reach. Who knows what conversation this will start. Who knows who else is feeling like this. I find myself constantly backing away from life. Cancelling plans with friends, finding any excuse not to go out. Hiding away so that I don’t have to have any conversations, so I don’t have to put on a smile. Maybe this will change that. Maybe this will allow me to say what I need to and release some pressure as well. I had the perfect excuse in the winter, it was too cold to take the baby out. Now I honestly don’t know what to say or do. I do try, I don’t want to be so caught up in this, I can barely even call myself depressed, I can barely accept that the anxiety is taking over. I feel like there are people out there hurting more, there are people who need more. I want to shine a light on the fact that it can be anybody, this can affect anyone. I don’t know what will bring me down. I never know how I am going to react to anything, and that’s the scariest thing for me, I want to control this, I want to be able to say that I can handle this. Right now, I don’t think I can. Right now, I need support, and that makes me feel guilty. For those of you reading this who understand, thank you. For those of you reading this and dealing with the same thing, I am so sorry. For those of you who are reading this and judging me and thinking that I am only seeking attention, there are so many other ways to get attention, this would not be my ideal way to do it.